When I was in the middle of 4th grade my entire world "crashed" and "crumbled" around me. My parents never screamed at each other, they never yelled, they weren't unkind or angry around my brother and me, so divorce was not a word I expected to ever hear them say. Divorce was what happened when people fought all the time! Divorce was what happened to other families, not mine. We went on summer trips across the country, had special dinners in front of the TV every now and then with a movie and wobbly brown folding trays. We went fishing, and my parents would jam out to Earth Wind and Fire in the kitchen. Sailing by Christopher Cross will always remind me of a car ride where I witnessed my parents smile at each other and reach across to hold hands. THIS was my family...and my family was not a family I ever thought would divorce. I was about 11 or 12, and everything I knew began to change. I remember when one night before my parents told us they were getting a divorce, my dad came home from work and rang our doorbell. I remember thinking "Who's here? Its almost dinner time." I opened the door to see my dad standing there and my mom uncomfortably from the kitchen said he could come in. Of course he could come in! He's Dad! Right?... Two days later my mom and dad sat my little brother and me on our floral print couch in the family room (ironic right?) and told us that my dad would be living at my Grandparents house for a while. I was confused, but figured everything would eventually work it's self out. I remember watching my mom putting dishes away in the kitchen the next day and I asked "Mom? Are you and Dad going to get a divorce?" I had asked this before in the past, not out of genuine curiosity but because I had heard other kids talk about divorce at school, and the answer had always been "I will never want a divorce." but this time she quietly said "I don't know." That answer sent a rush of anxiety through me. She doesn't know?? The answer is supposed to be "No honey blah blah blah.." The next day they told us they were divorcing. I remember feeling like I had left my body. I threw myself into their laps and all 4 of us cried. My dad sobbed, my mother cried (partly in anger because she did not want to divorce), and I cried because in my mind the family I knew had just died. My brother was upset because we were all upset, and I don't remember the rest of that night. I don't remember anything past that couch.
I'm not writing this blog post to bash my father at all, or to paint him as anything remotely close to a failure because he is not, or to have anyone feel sorry for my family because at this point in our lives, years later, we are all better for the divorce. What I want to share with you is what my parents did absolutely RIGHT.
I struggled in 5th grade with my school work, and in 6th grade, and in 7th grade, and in 8th grade. It was a rough couple years. My mom re-married my wonderful Step-father who has honestly become my second Dad. I am blessed to say I feel I have two Dads. My dad married what would be his second wife, and she had 2 boys. My dad, first step-mother, brother, and her boys made up a brand new family! I loved my brothers. We shared years together of our childhood that included many more family vacations, boating trips, baseball games, christmas mornings with brand new pajamas, new houses, and surprise midnight trips to Universal Studios. I had two brand new families and for the most part (even though there were some major bumps) we adjusted well. My parents chose to put my brother and me first in every situation. It didn't matter if they were arguing about one thing or another...when it came down to the needs of their kids they were always on the same team. Even divorced they were the parenting "team." Eventually they even included my step parents in school discussions, or talks about behaviors etc. THIS is what I want to talk about...as a child of divorce, who's foundation had been removed and rearranged, the one thing that remained consistent and that saved me, was that they put aside all differences when it came to me. Every time I needed them... I had them. They were there, and in the side wings of their lives, they were still the parenting duo.
About 7 years ago, my dad divorced his second wife, and I lost another family. Even thought my relationship with my step-mother was less than stellar, my brothers were gone, and the reality is that I didn't get to say goodbye, or ever see them again. That for me was traumatic. I had moved to LA for school at that point, and wasn't in their house anymore, but the effects hit me even from far away. I see every now and then on Facebook an update on their lives and they seem genuinely happy, but I miss them a lot. We shared a life together. We share a good chunk of our childhood.
My dad is remarried again, and while I wouldn't say I am very close with my dad's wife I am extremely happy that he is happy. Starting a new family in adulthood results in a very different dynamic, not a bad one, just different. I'm happy to say I see my new step-mom at Christmas and my Kid's birthdays and we laugh and enjoy each other's company, but because we met in adulthood the relationship I've developed with her will always be different from the one I have with my step-father. All I ever want for my parents is for them to be happy in their lives, and I am lucky that my parents have never stopped that communication and open line of love when it came to me.
So to my readers who are divorced parents I ask you... If your relationship allows (meaning if one spouse is not bat-shit crazy) please try to remember your children first. Don't pit them against your ex, or use them as ammunition. My father could have uprooted our family from the home my brother and I knew, but he wanted my mom to continue to live there with my brother and I, to give us stability. He took the lesser of the cars in the divorce and though someone could say "as he should," the truth is that a lot of men wouldn't. But my dad did. My parents wanted their children to feel safe and stable in an unstable time and did all they could together to make that a reality. Think of your children during this time of divorce. Their little souls are going through a lot, and they need you to show them that through everything, that you both love them, and will never stop working together to help them grow and learn. This is what my parents taught me. I promise you that your sacrifice to work with you ex in a loving way is worth it to your child. I promise you.
