Being the calm to his storm...

My son Hunter is 4. He has Tourettes Syndrome, as well as Anxiety, OCD, and we begin tests for Autism this week. He has many triggers that can cause an absolute melt down which includes kicking and screaming, throwing his body no matter what is around him, and being inconsolable. His 2 year old sister causes a LOT of these upsets. She breaks his legos, or takes something he's playing with and runs away, or touches him when he doesn't want to be touched. I am constantly policing their play time, and spend hours explaining to Hunter that Emma isn't trying to break his toys, but to play with him. Its exhausting, and as I try to continue my own daily responsibilities like wash the laundry, or stir the boiling pot of pasta, I am almost ALWAYS interrupted during these tasks to try and calm Hunter. Some days I am just as on edge as he is, he starts to escalate his screams and I feel like screaming right along with him. I have literally had to re-train my emotions to force myself into a polar opposite state of calm when he gets upset. I walk over to him and depending on how upset he is, I either explain whats happening and why he's upset, or I just hold him and model for him the calm behavior I wish him to exhibit. Its hard. Some days I look like a calm pool of tranquility when really I am screaming inside just as loudly as he is, and its not always out of frustration. Some days those screams are out of sadness because my poor baby is living in a world where everything seems to upset him.

I am positive that when Hunter and I are out and about at the grocery store and he sees a toy he wants and I say no, and his anxiety from that triggers a fit, that people assume I am a terrible parent who spoils their child. I'm positive that when he starts ticking in public and someone imitates him to his face, that those moments will hurt him as he gets older. But the thing is this, I can't explain my son's medical history to every gawking and judgmental stranger who stands watching me in a grocery store isle. I can't explain that I HAVE to hug and hold him in order to get him to calm down, and that a spanking would inflame the situation.

My son is special needs, and I am not ashamed of that, but I am exhausted, emotional, and protective. I do everything in my power to remain calm, but some days I can't. Some days I get angry, and then at night while he sleeps calmly in his bed, I sneak in and stroke his hair and cry with guilt. I'm sorry for yelling today buddy, I remind myself to forgive myself, and then the next day I tell him how proud I am of him for his good listening. I'm human, and being human is hard. It's so hard that God sent his only son to come to experience JUST how hard it is, so instead of saying "I hear you" when I pray, he says "I know..I too have felt that pain." God has taught me that Hunter will teach many people patience, joy, and bring healing and inner reflection. He has for me, he teaches me so many things every day, and I am a better person because of my son.

John 9:1-3

1 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 

2 His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this manor his parents, that he was born blind?" 

3 "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.