I am a child of Divorce...twice.

When I was in the middle of 4th grade my entire world "crashed" and "crumbled" around me. My parents never screamed at each other, they never yelled, they weren't unkind or angry around my brother and me, so divorce was not a word I expected to ever hear them say. Divorce was what happened when people fought all the time! Divorce was what happened to other families, not mine. We went on summer trips across the country, had special dinners in front of the TV every now and then with a movie and wobbly brown folding trays. We went fishing, and my parents would jam out to Earth Wind and Fire in the kitchen. Sailing by Christopher Cross will always remind me of a car ride where I witnessed my parents smile at each other and reach across to hold hands. THIS was my family...and my family was not a family I ever thought would divorce. I was about 11 or 12, and everything I knew began to change. I remember when one night before my parents told us they were getting a divorce, my dad came home from work and rang our doorbell. I remember thinking "Who's here? Its almost dinner time." I opened the door to see my dad standing there and my mom uncomfortably from the kitchen said he could come in. Of course he could come in! He's Dad! Right?... Two days later my mom and dad sat my little brother and me on our floral print couch in the family room (ironic right?) and told us that my dad would be living at my Grandparents house for a while. I was confused, but figured everything would eventually work it's self out. I remember watching my mom putting dishes away in the kitchen the next day and I asked "Mom? Are you and Dad going to get a divorce?" I had asked this before in the past, not out of genuine curiosity but because I had heard other kids talk about divorce at school, and the answer had always been "I will never want a divorce." but this time she quietly said "I don't know." That answer sent a rush of anxiety through me. She doesn't know?? The answer is supposed to be "No honey blah blah blah.." The next day they told us they were divorcing. I remember feeling like I had left my body. I threw myself into their laps and all 4 of us cried. My dad sobbed, my mother cried (partly in anger because she did not want to divorce), and I cried because in my mind the family I knew had just died. My brother was upset because we were all upset, and I don't remember the rest of that night. I don't remember anything past that couch.

I'm not writing this blog post to bash my father at all, or to paint him as anything remotely close to a failure because he is not, or to have anyone feel sorry for my family because at this point in our lives, years later, we are all better for the divorce. What I want to share with you is what my parents did absolutely RIGHT.

I struggled in 5th grade with my school work, and in 6th grade, and in 7th grade, and in 8th grade. It was a rough couple years. My mom re-married my wonderful Step-father who has honestly become my second Dad. I am blessed to say I feel I have two Dads. My dad married what would be his second wife, and she had 2 boys. My dad, first step-mother, brother, and her boys made up a brand new family! I loved my brothers. We shared years together of our childhood that included many more family vacations, boating trips, baseball games, christmas mornings with brand new pajamas, new houses, and surprise midnight trips to Universal Studios. I had two brand new families and for the most part (even though there were some major bumps) we adjusted well. My parents chose to put my brother and me first in every situation. It didn't matter if they were arguing about one thing or another...when it came down to the needs of their kids they were always on the same team. Even divorced they were the parenting "team." Eventually they even included my step parents in school discussions, or talks about behaviors etc. THIS is what I want to talk about...as a child of divorce, who's foundation had been removed and rearranged, the one thing that remained consistent and that saved me, was that they put aside all differences when it came to me. Every time I needed them... I had them. They were there, and in the side wings of their lives, they were still the parenting duo.

About 7 years ago, my dad divorced his second wife, and I lost another family. Even thought my relationship with my step-mother was less than stellar, my brothers were gone, and the reality is that I didn't get to say goodbye, or ever see them again. That for me was traumatic. I had moved to LA for school at that point, and wasn't in their house anymore, but the effects hit me even from far away. I see every now and then on Facebook an update on their lives and they seem genuinely happy, but I miss them a lot. We shared a life together. We share a good chunk of our childhood.

My dad is remarried again, and while I wouldn't say I am very close with my dad's wife I am extremely happy that he is happy. Starting a new family in adulthood results in a very different dynamic, not a bad one, just different. I'm happy to say I see my new step-mom at Christmas and my Kid's birthdays and we laugh and enjoy each other's company, but because we met in adulthood the relationship I've developed with her will always be different from the one I have with my step-father. All I ever want for my parents is for them to be happy in their lives, and I am lucky that my parents have never stopped that communication and open line of love when it came to me.

So to my readers who are divorced parents I ask you... If your relationship allows (meaning if one spouse is not bat-shit crazy) please try to remember your children first. Don't pit them against your ex, or use them as ammunition. My father could have uprooted our family from the home my brother and I knew, but he wanted my mom to continue to live there with my brother and I, to give us stability. He took the lesser of the cars in the divorce and though someone could say "as he should," the truth is that a lot of men wouldn't. But my dad did. My parents wanted their children to feel safe and stable in an unstable time and did all they could together to make that a reality. Think of your children during this time of divorce. Their little souls are going through a lot, and they need you to show them that through everything, that you both love them, and will never stop working together to help them grow and learn. This is what my parents taught me. I promise you that your sacrifice to work with you ex in a loving way is worth it to your child. I promise you.

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Letting the good outweigh the bad...

Well its Dec 31st 2014, which means my Facebook newsfeed is jam packed with New Years resolutions, anti-New Years resolutions, jokes about resolutions, introspective posts about years in review, and jokes about new Gym go-ers who curl in the squat rack.

I find that this is the easiest time to dwell on all that went wrong in 2014. Its when I find myself looking back on the year and picking out all of the struggles which memory can amplify. So for every struggle I list an achievement, or joyous moment for the year in my head so I don't allow myself to dwell too much on hard times that have past.

I'm not saying I'm an expert at this by any means. But here's a practice run for ya..

I am listing all of the amazing things that were accomplished this year...

1)I became pregnant as a surrogate mother for a friend.
http://iamjustthemessenger.blogspot.com

2) Emma had her first birthday!

3) Hunter turned 3!

4) Jason worked extremely hard full time, as well as passed all of his years classes as a full time student.

5) We visited family in Minnesota!

6) I delivered baby Alaya healthfully into this world and into her parents arms.

7) I spoke publicly on Surrogacy and was able to educate others on the journey.

8) I was able to participate in an "Indigenous Rising" protest in Humboldt at the injustice of firing the Native American student representative Dr. Jaquelyn Boleman.

9) On my birthday I was ceremoniously awarded my first feather that I am allowed to wear in my hair and display for my acts of extreme generosity in surrogacy.

10) My photography took an artistic turn with my awesome "Bearded Man" project. Introducing me to the bearded Movement society.

11) I was able to enjoy Disneyland with my children, mother in law, husband, and parents as a celebration of the completion of my surrogacy.

12) I continue to be floored by the amount of people who seek me out as a source of information and comfort on the surrogacy front. I receive contact from women and men all over the world with questions and I am blessed to be able to answer all of them.

13) I had the amazing opportunity to participate in the 4th Trimester Bodies Project. It was incredibly empowering, and helped me embrace my post-childbirth body.

And now...I will take a moment to honor my years struggles..but not dwell on them.

1) Our landlord raised our monthly rent by $300 so that our rent is now 2550 a month. (Yes you read that correctly.)

2) I have still been unable to find full time work in order to help my husband with financial needs.

3) Jason's company begins a strike as of this coming week which is likely to force us out of our home. This comes after his company cut their hourly pay by 15$ an hour.

And I am so lucky that those 3 things are the only negative parts to this year for me.

I sincerely hope 2015 will bring me employment in the surrogacy arena, and stability for my family..and maybe even to be a surrogate again! Jason and I are extremely lucky to have friends and family who support and love us as we continue to enjoy life!

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An open letter to New Dads...

Congratulations Dad!!

How do you feel? Overwhelmed? Scared? Totally and completely in love with the tiny being you helped create in your arms? Life is truly an amazing and wonderful thing. No doubt you and your love are exhausted (her especially) after working together to bring this little one earth side. There are so many blogs, and journal writings about the beginning of parenthood. About its hard times, and about the precious moments that will bring you to your knees. This letter is to you...the father.

I want to ask that you hold this moment tenderly in your heart, and take in what I am going to say. Your wife, girlfriend, love, is about to go through one of the hardest realizations of her life. The realization that her body will never again be the same. Think about this for a moment. Maybe she was thin her entire life, and her belly remained small. Maybe she has always been on the larger side. Some women do indeed look very much the same that they did before giving birth, short months after they gave birth, but I am going to be very honest when I say that those women are very rare and genuinely lucky and blessed with good genes.

Most of today's society puts an insane amount of pressure on moms to "snap back" to their original form after giving birth. "Loose the baby weight fast!" or "Wear this waist trainer after giving birth to get your waist line back!" are commonly heard by post partum moms. The truth is giving birth, though natural, is something the body needs TIME to recover from, and by recover I don't mean loose weight. I mean time to stop bleeding...time to rest...time to allow her muscles to heal and begin the long stages of shrinking from being so stretched...time to allow stitches (either from a c-section or an episiotomy) to heal. Time to embrace motherhood and the responsibility of keeping a baby alive.

I have had 3 children. I am currently 4 months post partum and I will tell you that I do loose the weight that I gained during pregnancy very quickly...but the one thing that has never returned to pre-birth is my stomach. My skin will forever be stretched. It will forever be scared. It will forever be loose and tucked under the buttons of my mom jeans. I beg of you new dads... look at your darlings in this new light, see her stretched skin, her scars as a reminder of the agony she went through to bring you that little one in your arms. When you lay together again to make love and she tries to hide her changed body, reassure her how her body is now sexier to you because she is a WOMAN, and no longer a girl in your eyes. A giver of life. These are the words my husband spoke to me, and continues to speak to me as I grieved the loss of my pre-child body.

The most incredible thing you can do for your recovering wife, is hold no expectations. If she desires to go to the gym..let her. If she is happy with her body, and lets her child's feet walk on her squishy tummy, embrace the tenderness of that moment. If she cries because she cannot fit into her old jeans, hold her, and tell her how amazing she will look in new jeans, and that her curves from children stir your soul.

These images are the reality... Don't let today's media take away the precious changes your darling's body will go through after birth. Don't let this reality be one that is tainted in "weightloss tricks" and "snap back" schemes. Embrace her body's changes..help her to embrace them, no matter how big or small the change. She will need you in these times of weakness. She will need to feel beautiful, sexy, and desired. Show her she is all of these things please. You are her rock. You are her support even after the pushing and contractions have stopped. She still needs you. Thank you dads.. Thank you for your kind and open hearts. For your acceptance of us as we are in motherhood, and for your help in battling what media tells us we should look like. There is no "Should." there is only the reality.


Sincerely,
Corinne Oestreich

Mother of Hunter: 4
Emma: 2
Surrogate Mother to: Alaya 4 months

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There is no privacy with kids...

So today I realized that there truly is no privacy with kids..

My son will be 4 in Feb and my daughter 2 in Jan...they both escorted me to the bathroom. It was like I needed to be chaperoned in order to take a $#i% and they volunteered happily for the job. I sat down and looked at my son perched precariously on the side of the tub, swinging his footed pajama feet as he watched me innocently. "Hunter can I just go to the bathroom alone right now?" I asked. He blinked confused "But I want to watch you poop." I sighed... "Buddy sometimes people just need to go to the bathroom alone." He didn't seem to hear me. "But I want to watch you." His sister began to climb into the bath tub. "Emma get out of the bath tub!" meanwhile I have yet to do any business. "Guys please just give me a few minutes ok?" Hunter reeled from the obviously personal attack on the fact that I didn't want him to watch me poop and yelled at me "BUT I WANT TO WATCH YOU POOP!!!" and I yelled back "AND I JUST WANT TO POOP IN PEACE!!!"

They watch me change my clothes, they see me get out of the shower, and they poke at the loose skin on my tummy from the three children I bore. They know no personal space or boundaries when it comes to mommy. It doesn't usually bother me, but I'm going to have to create some personal boundries eventually. My body and its functions are not my children's domain. Anyone else feel this way with small kids? When did you start drawing personal boundaries with your kids?

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Favorite Status Updates of 2013

Jan:

My beautiful little angel has arrived. Took me 4 pushes and she was out and in our arms. Such a smooth easy birth and instant skin to skin bonding for almost an hour!! Amazing finish to our "having children" chapter of our lives. She is sleeping with a full tummy and I am about to nap. Hunter's attempts at the words "Fork" and "Shirt" have come out a bit...well...pg-13. We will work on it. — with Jason Oestreich. I am 26 years old and I STILL won't stand next to my bed for any long period of time, for fear that the monsters under my bed will grab my ankles. What's wrong with me?? I have children..shouldn't I be grown out of the monster fear by now??! Lol Feb: You know you're a mom when you can burp a 1 month old and catch your 2 year old falling off the couch with your feet at the same time. Hunter yelled to me from his fort "mommy come here to cuddle!!" Awwww I don't fit though buddy. March: I can't smile at Emma while she's nursing bc she stops eating to smile back and dribbles milk everywhere. It is stinking cute though. Hehehe. It's so funny hearing Hunter say things that I had no idea I say all the time..like "Hmmm" whenever he looks in a cupboard, or "It's ok Emma" in a gentle tone when she cries, or "We're home!" when we pull in the drive way. He has also decided that Downton Abbey is "Mommy show." And copies my dance moves. Lol Hunter just woke up an exclaimed over the baby monitor that he farted..and then started laughing. LOL!! That kid.... Hunter and Emma both got shots today. broke my heart when Hunter cried saying "Tickles!! Tickles!!" I was like no baby it hurts, and it's ok. He was fine in 5 mins when he saw the train in the lobby. Haha. Emma was fine in less time and back to sleep again. When Emma is on tummy time Hunter lays beside her saying "Go Emma go!" Then when she lifts her head and turns it to the other side, we cheer for her and shower her with kisses. Am I the only one who gets Jumanji flashbacks when I see a bee try to get into my car through the windshield??!! Just walkin down the street with a sandwich, my Micky purse and a 40cal. NBD. The Gold of Felder by Corinne Perera (eBook) - Lulu www.lulu.com My book is officially PUBLISHED!!!!! It's a downloadable ebook on Lulu. Please share this with your friends!! Being a mommy means getting up with child number two the second that child number one falls asleep, it's watching Cars2 18 times and still laughing at the same parts together. It's swinging around in the grad in bare feet and then immediately regretting it together as we fall sick to the ground. It's sacrificing lace bras for nursing ones, and tan lines for stretch marks. It's the constant buzz in the back of our mind when we are away from our babies, wondering if they are ok. It's repeating back to a two year old exactly what he said so he can stop saying it 500 times. It's snuggles, and "thank you mommy"s and "I yuv you" as you shut the door. I thank God I'm a mommy.. It's a tough calling, but a blessing indeed. That awkward moment when the cashier hands back your credit card and your fingers touch... Uhm... I'm married, April: The other day: Hunter wasn't eating his dinner at my parents house, so I turn to see my brother knife handing my son, for non marines that means pointing his hand at Hunter and speaking sternly.. Hunter proceeds to slowly lean forward and LICK Andrew's knife hand..thereby diffusing it totally. Lol! We all cracked up. Commonly used phrases in the Oestreich household: "Don't put Marines in your sisters crib." "I yuh you", "get your hand out of your diaper please." "*high pitched scream*" "NO!!" "Excuse me young man?!" Aaaaand last but not least "Hunter use a Kleenex, not my shirt." My son just brought me a dandelion..but in his eyes it was a rose. His face was smiling and eager to hand it to me, so I reacted as if it were a bouquet. "Here mommy!" And I cried at his generosity and sweet spirit. Hunter: "Damnit." Me: "Hunter don't say that..say Oh no." Hunter: "Oh damnit." Me: sighhhh Andrew came over to keep me company and the following hilarious conversation ensued.. Andrew: So I was crocheting yesterday.. (Me Cracking up) :I'm sorry...were you serious? Andrew: Ya. Me: (Still laughing) Andrew: I'd appreciate it if you'd stop laughing at me. Me: I'm sorry I'm just picturing you crocheting at the gym on the squat rack. Andrew: Don't be ridiculous Corinne.. there's not nearly enough time in between sets. I cant finish a whole chain in that amount of time. Me:(Laughing with my forehead on the counter and crying.) HAHAHAHAHA! — with Andrew Toasty Perera. Hunter ran up to Jason and shot him with a squirt gun while Jason was washing dishes..Jason promptly fell to the ground "wounded" and then let hunter shoot him before stealing the water gun and shooting back from the kitchen floor. I love my family. — with Jason Oestreich. I always dread when Jason Oestreich leaves for work.. I miss him and get lonely at the house all day. As a Marine wife, I then promptly smack myself in the metaphorical face and say "It's not a deployment you civilian sounding hussy!" Lol Sooo it was bound to happen at some point, with one of my children.. I walked into Hunters room today to find that he had reached into his poopy diaper and painted his face, arms, legs, bed, sheets, and walls with his poop. Oh. My. Dear. Lord... All I could say was "Oh my goodness..." and "DONT MOVE!!" and "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!" May: Picked up some dinner tonight with the kids at the Mc Donald's drive through.. On my way home I drove past a homeless man who was sitting on the corner looking defeated. He didn't have a sign. He looked hungry, and very dirty. I got about a mile before I couldn't shake that holy spirits voice tellin me to turn around. So I did. I gave him my hot dinner and soda, said I hope God blesses him. He said "He just did." And I smiled and walked back to my car. The homeless man sat frozen, just staring at the bag I food for a minute before opening it to eat it with tears in his eyes. I have never felt so full in my life. My son calls Blueberries "Boobies", so at the drive through today all the guy taking my order can hear is my 2 year old screaming "I want boobies!!!! More boobies!!!!" Awwwkward. That moment when a car pulls up at a red light next to you so you roll down your window to see a Navy Officer in full uniform and he says "so what does the OFP in your bumper sticker stand for?" Uhhh "it stands for own fucking program.......sir." Lol Hunter didn't want to open his mouth to eat dinner so I said "You better open your mouth young man or the movie goes off." So he starts yelling "Obama!! Obama!!! Obama!!" Sorry kid, president Obama is not going to rescue you from eating your dinner. (I explained recently that our Presidents Obama, Bush, Clinton etc are here to help us.. I guess he thought that meant from eating peas and carrots too.) Me: Hunter did you put a booger in my tea?? Hunter: Mmhmm. Me: Gross. Hunter: (Maniacal laughter) While watching my daughter snuggle with Jason Oestreich, I got emotional and started tearing up, to which my husband said "Hey..suppress that emotion." And hunter looked up from my lap and goes "ya mommy suppress motion!" Lol ok MEN..sorry for acting so female. My 2 year old son just climbed onto the sofa beside me, put his arm around my shoulder and pulled my head down, kissed me on my forehead and said " I love you little mama." And then turned to watch TV with his arm still around me. Words cannot express my joy and love for that child. I just used my moms line from when I was a kid... "The more you ask, the more the answer is going to be no." My child brain heard this and thought, oh no I better stop asking bc the quantity of the "no" is increasing!! As if it were on a quantitative spectrum. Lol I wonder if Hunter thinks that when I say it now. June: I am so excited!! My surrogacy packet was approved and I now begin the process of being matched with a couple. I have started my journey down the path of surrogacy!! Can't wait to bring a happy deserving couple the joy of a baby. It's been a perfect day! Finished all the chores, stocked the kitchen with food, played in the sprinkler with Hunter and enjoyed black berries and an ice cold Pepsi. July: Hunter: Mommy I want a bar!! (Granola bar) Me: Start over. Hunter: Mommy I want a bar please. Me: ok but I need to finish feeding Emma first. Hunter: No!! Me: Hunter you need to be patient. Hunter: I tell your father!! Me: Pretty sure my dad would agree with me Hunter. Lol — with John Perera. Hunter was laying on the couch with his arms behind his head while I cleaned the den, I knocked the remote off the couch an hunter says "Damnit mommy you dropped the remote." I said "Excuse me??" And he sat up and said it slowly "Damnit..mommy..you dropped..the remote." Ya....the timeout chair got nice and warm. Another gem from Hunter tonight. He was going through my purse while I was cooking dinner and yelled for him to stop, he kept going, I yelled again. He kept going so I came out to talk to him and he ran to the couch. In the middle of my "you need to stop when I ask the first time" lecture, he turns his head, closes his eyes and starts to snore. Lord have mercy, my eyes got so wide. My inner monologue sounded something like this "Oh HELL no!" Tonight while cooking dinner, Hunter snuck around the counter and shot me with his Buzz Lightyear gun, so I grabbed the nearby squirt gun and returned fire. He died very dramatically on the couch, and then the table and then the ground followed by some twitching an a tongue sticking out. He is so my kid. August: That moment when three police officers clear your broken into house, and then come out and say "Well we thought your house was ransacked, but then we realized you just had kids." Thanks officer....thanks. — feeling annoyed. Tomorrow night I meet the couple from Indonesia that I will hopefully be a surrogate for!! I am nervous, excited, anxious and so emotional already. This will be quite a journey. Today Hunter refused to listen to me while I was lecturing him, so I raised me voice. He turned his head and says very calmly "Mommy calm down. Breeeaath breaaathhh. Deep breaths." OMG I lost it, I cracked up so hard. Can you tell I say that a lot to him during his tantrums? I guess he thought I was throwing a tantrum. My anniversary toast tonight with our complimentary moscato wine... "To Infinity and beyond!" I love that our son inspired our toast tonight. Hehe You know a restaurant is going to be $$$ when it's so dark you can barely read the menu.. "Does that say 35$ or 85$ for the steak?" "I dunno...better order a chicken to be safe." Hunter came into the kitchen today while Jason and I were talking, and he had a brown paper bag slung over his shoulder like a purse and he says "buh bye! I go store!" We stopped and looked and him and said "oh ya? What are you getting?" He starts listing things off "uhm..Donald's fries, Oni cheese, grabber..I take motorcycle k?" Jason and I started cracking up and he adds "keys please." And we completely lost it with laughter. It was too cute. Just got back form the gym...uhm... I'm starving!!!!!!! I sat down to eat some mushrooms with ranch and Jason practically hurled himself across the room to knock the ranch out of my hands like Dwight in the episode of The Office with the fax from the future about the "poisoned coffee". I pretty much looked just as scared as Stanley. LOL. But really... food. I thought Hunter rubbing his hands in my hair was sweet and endearing until I realized he was wiping his macaroni and cheese goop off on me....... #mommyproblems #isit8oclockyet — feeling used. September: Today Hunter and I had our very first discussion about God. I asked if he knew who God was? (I am always interested in what children have to see without prompting because I believe they are still so fresh to this world that they retain some memory of life before here.) He pointed to his heart. I said "Yes, God lives in your heart, he's not a man, or a woman. He is a spirit, and loves you so much. Whenever mommy hugs you, God is hugging you. Whenever Mommy kisses you, God is kissing you. Isn't that neat?" He said "Ya! God is Daddy?" And I was floored... "Yes Hunter we call him Heavenly Father..because he sent us to earth to live and to grow. He isn't the daddy we know and see every day, he's a different daddy. We wont see God because God wants us to learn on our own, but sometimes we feel him, like the wind." He said "Oh..Ya." and then touched his heart again. I could feel the spirit with us.. "You feel God?" He smiled and laughed "Ya." I hugged him. "I talk to God?" he asked me. I said "You can talk to God whenever you want.. he will always listen to you, and understand. He wont always answer, and that's ok. But he is always there, loving you." He laughed and said "That's weird!" I said "Ya it is weird isn't it?" So amazing that I have these conversations with my son already.. October: Both children fell asleep on the car ride home from my Parents house in their footed PJs, to a CD I played of my songs I wrote...Hunter asked me to sing so I put on the CD and sang the harmonies. They were out like lights and carried them into their beds like cuddly sacks of flannel potatoes. Hunter: Mommy where's my nuky?? Me: I don't know, you had it last. Hunter: Well...FIND it. Me: Uh..no, it's your nuky you find it. Hunter: No YOU find it!!! And don't talk back to me again!!! Me: (The mommy look of death) Hunter: Opps...I sorry I sorry...don't know why I said that. (Smacks forehead.) Me: Mmmmhmmm Jason Oestreich dip-kissed me before he left for work today...and while I was bent over backwards laughing from the kiss, Hunter walks up with his hands on his hips and says "Stop that daddy!" HAHA! Someone got a little jealous I think. That awkward moment when you're loading the kids into the car while the gardener a stare and giggle, then realize your two year old son is wearing your neon print thong on the outside of his black jeans. "Oh my Gosh Hunter!! Stop running away..get over here!!" (Gardeners continue to giggle) Me:Jason hunny it's time to wake up..we gotta get ready for pictures at 11. Jason Oestreich: (obviously still asleep) That is a LOT of food. Me: (deciding to play along) yes it is...you better eat all of it. Jason: (points) Back to the fields woman. Me: Ugh!! (Smack) Jason: WHAT??? (Waking up) (Corinne storms out..Jason confused) November: ..and on the 8th day God created coffee, for it was obvious unto him that the people of the word after creating tiny versions of themselves would be near exhaustion from the lack of sleep during a time when teeth descend in their young. And he saw the coffee brewing, and the sighs of relief at first sip and said "It is good." Yesterday while at LAX Airport I wished at least 3 Marines a Happy Birthday. One Marine laughed and said "I'm not in uniform, how did you know I was a Marine??" He didnt have a camo pack, or a Marine shirt on.. I just knew. I said "Sir you may not be wearing a "Uniform" but the Mantel of a Marine never leaves you.. it was pretty obvious to me." And I gave him a big smile. He said "Semper Fi mama." and kept on walking. #oneforthememorybooks Hunter runs to me with every single boo boo big and small asking to me kiss it better. After a quick kiss he sighs and says "Thanks mom" and then continues to play. Today he asked me to kiss his elbow while I was in the middle of making breakfast, I got irritated, but quickly remembered that my son would not run to me for healing boo boo kisses forever and have him a bonus kiss on his cheek. Me: Uh hunter get off the computer and clean your room please. Hunter: I'm trying to do homework mom!!! Me: oh you got a big paper due or something? Hunter: (distracted) ya... Mom I can't concentrate! Me: oh jeez...sorry. Well why don't you take a study break and come help me clean. Hunter: (Heavy sigh) ok MOOOM. Since when is my 2 1/2 year old a 16 year old high schooler with attitude??? So taking three estrogen pills a day to prepare for pregnancy makes me extremely emotional and I broke down bawling in the middle of choir practice tonight singing a song about Joseph as a father with calloused hands holding a newborn Christ. Ya...sobbing people...sobbing. Like ugly cry sobbing.   December: I wasn't going to go to Church this morning bc I am NOT feeling well at all..but when I told Hunter he looked so sad and said "...oh." And heaved a sigh. Jeez kid!! So we're going and I am SITFU for my son. Lol   and thats all folks. :)

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Today a Firefighter made Hunter's day!

After Jason and I signed my surrogacy contract this morning, we decided to run into Lucky's the grocery store to pick up a few items that I forgot to grab the last time I was there. It was right next door to the Notary so we walked over. I picked out the items we needed, and noticed out of the corner of my eye, the Firefighters from the firehouse across the street were also shopping for some food to make their dinners. I made a mental not that there was probably a Firetruck outside and that I needed to point it out to Hunter on our way to the car. We got to the check out line and the firefighters were behind us. I turned around and said "Excuse me, but are you a firefighter?" He smiled and said "Yes I am." and I said "Is your truck outside?" He said "It sure is.." and I looked at Hunter wide eyed and said "Buddy there's a firetruck outside!! We can see it as we walk by to the car ok?" After I said that the firefighter said "If you'd like, he can come over and sit in the driver's seat!" I probably would have cried if I wasn't positive he would think I was nuts. That would mean the world to Hunter!! I couldn't wait to get out there and show my little buddy the truck! Daddy took Hunter over to the truck while I unloaded the groceries and carried Emma over to meet them. Hunter, my tiny Hunter was so small up there on the driver's seat, but he had the BIGGEST smile on his face. He was literally in Heaven.

He was oblivious to us as he sat up there, that is...until the firefighter asked if Hunter wanted to try on the helmet and firecoat. Oh boy...as if it couldn't get any better!! Hunter looked like he was swimming in that jacket, but he was so happy.

He wouldn't stop talking about it all day. I don't know if that firefighter will ever realize just how much that mean to my little Hunter. Today was awesome.

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Why I don't have my $h&% together..and it's perfectly ok.

Tonight I made Shepherds Pie for dinner. It looked PERFECT. I snapped a quick picture and put a filter on it to brighten it a bit, and the background was my stove. The crust of the mashed potatoes were a golden brown that would have made the spirit of my 1940's housewife Great-grandmother proud! It certainly showed nicely. (Tasted good too,) but let me tell you what you didn't see in the picture. My sink was piled high with dishes from yesterday's dinner and midnight snacks. My floor was littered with a couple potato peels that my 9 month old daughter was "practicing her small motor skills" on (as pinterest would put it.) My 2 1/2 year old son was sitting at the table eating an entire bowl of cous cous with a banana peel balanced on his head, the kitchen counter was stacked with unopened mail, don't even get me started on how long the wet clothes in the washer have been there, and I'm pretty sure the TV had been on all day. But my golly did that shepherds pie look perfect!!

Sometimes I am floored by how simplistic and perfect my life looks according to the posts I have on Facebook. You would think that my children slept peacefully through the night from 8pm-8am, and that every morning I am greeted with "Oh hello mommy!!" and a big hug. (OK that part is usually true..unless he's peed through his diaper and I have to change sheets..then it's more like "Mommy I wet!!") Facebook has allowed us the mask of perfection, and pinterest is what sends it viral. I started posting pictures of my messy house on an Instagram hashtag called #reallife, where I let everyone see the behind the scenes of those "perfect" photos. Did I just post an adorable picture of my smiling son? Yes. Did you see the puddle of spilled sippy cup milk that he was sitting in slowly drain into the recesses of my leather couch never to be seen or heard from again? No.

Confession: I do not have my proverbial $h%# together...and that's ok.

Don't get me wrong. I love pinterest with it's many recipes calling for "only 5 ingredients!" or the post about how to turn random furniture crap into chalk boards (why do I want to accidentally scratch my nails on that again?) But it's time for women to stop comparing ourselves to each other and start showing the realities. Guess what...I wont judge you for posting a picture of your playroom with dumped toys everywhere. That's what a playroom is supposed to look like!! I laugh when I go to peoples houses and they have designated special boxes for cars, and special boxes for stuffed animals, and special boxes for blocks. Really? You make your kid sit there and sort all of that? Or do you just do it for him? In the words of Sweet Brown "Aint nobody got time fo that!!" I cant sit here and sort my son's army men! I need to go rescue my daughter from eating the foam letter my son just peeled off of one of his toys! If you find time to clean your house, cook immaculate dinners that are hot when your husband gets home, bathe two kids, feed them and have them dressed for bed by 8pm every day you my friend are a rarity. If you do all of those things AND work a full time job, you're a freaking GOD.

So to the women out there who put Mickey Mouse on while they cook dinner, who play with their children on the floor and smother them with kisses instead of washing those dishes right away, I applaud you. We are doing the best we can, and that is ok. Our kids won't remember the dishes in the sink, or the mail strewn about the counter, but they will remember that story you read, or that night where you let them snuggle in YOUR bed for 30 mins as a treat. Those are the memories that will last a lifetime. Your house can be clean when they move out to college...those days are coming faster than we think.

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