What I love most about this verse, is that it doesn't say that with "discipline you get what you want." It says that it produces a "harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Where am I going with this..
I'm not a biblical scholar, or a pastor, or anyone claiming to know it all. I do know that I am a daughter of God, and with that title on my heart I find myself coming unto Him over and over again in my times of pain. My view on God and this life is radically different (I feel) from most "Christians." I don't believe that God will swoop in and help me find my keys with a little prayer, or that he intervenes with much at all. How incredibly difficult the hard times in this life would be if I believed my God would rescue me with a prayer, and then didn't. My faith has led me to believe that I have chosen my life's journey and challenges for myself before coming to this earth. I believe that God sat with me and we drew out an elaborate tree filled with all of the life experiences I wanted to have.
I am living with my parents while my husband and I decide what the next move for our family will be, it's a stressful and trying time! But I believe that I chose this for myself. Why? Because it will teach me something I believed would be good for me. I believe my soul chose every challenge I face in this life, and mapped out all the choices I would be given in the hopes that I would choose what was right. Thats what life is all about. Learning.
So what happens when the lesson is "Sorry, that's not the path for you."? What happens when you ask God and the answer is "No."?
My amazing husband (and I'm already starting to cry..) has been trying to become a Police Officer for over 5 years now. He served as a Marine in both Iraq and Afghanistan, and desires to continue serving and protecting Americans from the home front. He is a good man, and an incredible father. He's giving, kind, selfless, and the neighbor that will pull out his elderly neighbor's trash for him without so much as a wink. He will pull over to help a stranded car, run to assist a woman with her groceries, take over the dishes when he sees I am weary. He is a Godly man. So why has the answer continued to be "no" when becoming a Police Officer has been his dream? The lessons here are feeling more and more like "Do something else" as opposed to "Work hard and get what you desire." Isn't that the American dream? Work hard and you can do anything? Maybe that's the lesson, that God's dream for us, isn't always in line with our dreams for ourselves. Maybe the lesson here is that the big door that slammed in our face is actually a part of the guiding wall that directs us to our true calling.
Seeing my beloved rejected for position after position has been heart wrenching for me, and has brought me to my knees in prayer on too many occasions to count. I have wept on my bedroom floor in confusion and desperation for God to bestow joy upon my husband. "He deserves this Lord.." I would pray. "Please."
And God would sit before me, stroking my hair..I could almost feel him, and he would whisper "I know. He is a good man. Just wait my child..just wait and see what we have planned for him." Obviously I didn't hear these words voiced audibly, but my heart and soul felt Him there. I knew that God the Father is present and heard me in those moments, and even though he didn't directly interfere, his love and understanding was present.
I feel an odd peace in the knowing that God is quietly nearby, remaining observant and not intrusive, but ever so gently, like a parent watching their child in preschool, offers a reassuring smile or hug before sending us off to learn more.
Do I know what's in store for our family? No. I don't. But I do know some things that ARE certain..
I am going to have a baby for an amazing couple..
Hunter is finally beginning to make friends in Preschool and have fun..
My Photography and writing continue to fulfill my creative desires..
I love Jason until the very last breath I take, where I will continue to love him in a billion tiny pieces.
I have healthy children and a comfortable home with my amazing parents.
We are loved.. we are held in Gods hands..and we are going to survive this and every other challenge we have planned for ourselves with God as our loving guide.
